Everything Happens for a Reason?

We were FINALLY done with school!  For four years, I had worked three jobs (and had two kids), while my husband was in graduate school, in order to keep our student debt to a minimum and make ends meet.  And now, with the weight of school finally lifted, we optimistically set off to start our "new life" as a young family.

We started a new job, purchased a starter home, and started setting aside 10% of our income every month to build some financial security.  I got pregnant with our third son and set out to remodel the house in order to accommodate our growing family.  About this time, the young daughter of a dear life-long friend tragically drowned.  Within weeks, my sister's twin nephews were also taken in a tragic drowning accident.  As I mourned for these beloved families, I resolved to be a better mother and appreciate more the precious moments I have with my children while they are "on loan" to me from the Lord.  Shortly before our third son was born, we were offered a new job out-of-state and, recognizing that this job would afford us more quality time with our children, and after much fasting and prayer, we decided that taking the job was the right thing for our family.  So, in 2009, we faithfully packed up, put our newly remodeled home back on the market, and moved to a new state.

While this was a good long-term decision for our family, it was also the start of a three-year nightmare:  It just so happened that not only had we purchased our home at the peak of the housing market, but this move was perfectly synced with the following housing market crash.  We spent three long years trying to sell our house for half the amount we had bought it for and less the money we had put into remodeling.  We had decided right off the bat that we would do everything in our power to honor our commitment to our mortgage debt for as long as we were physically able.  For two years, we scrimped and saved and went "without" as we watched our entire life-savings run dry, until everything we had was gone.  Our house still had not sold.  We spent many sleepless nights, and countless tear-filled days, watching interested prospective buyer after buyer fail to obtain a purchase loan.  We were lied to repeatedly by the lending banks and offered no viable solutions to our plight, despite the extensive efforts we were making on our part.  We were desperately trying to find a way to provide another stable and comfortable home for our family.  Then, despite all our sacrifice to stay current on our mortgage payments for a home we had not lived in for two years, we no longer had anything left to give and spent another year helplessly watching our impeccable credit slip away too. We were tired and defeated.  Why was the Lord not taking away this trial when we had done everything "right"?

Meanwhile, we discovered that we were unexpectedly "expecting" another baby that we could neither afford nor accommodate.  I felt guilty for feeling overwhelmed by this and that guilt was both enhanced and accompanied (1) by my dear older sister's difficult battle with infertility and (2) by another period of mourning when my tender little sister, who was expecting a baby within days of my own due date, experienced a miscarriage.  Why did she miscarry and not me when she was excited about her pregnancy and I was struggling to accept mine?  Why didn't my older sister get pregnant instead of me, when we had all been praying for so long for her?  I resolved again to appreciate the blessings amidst my trials and was filled with joy when our sweet, beloved baby joined our family.  Shortly after he was born, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening bacterial septicemia, which only added to the already overwhelming medical bills and prevented me from being physically capable of keeping up with my duties as a busy wife and mother of four little boys.  I was in a deep depression--partly a side-effect of the infection and partly due to the stresses of the difficult saga with our housing crisis.  And then, shortly after my medical scare, a sweet, darling friend--an amazing wife and mother of her own beautiful young family--passed away suddenly from a similar bacterial infection:  meningitis.  How could this be?  Why was she taken when she had everything going for her?  Why was I still here, when I couldn't even adequately perform my own familial duties anyway?

I cannot tell you how many times during those three long years (and since) that I heard the phrase, "everything happens for a reason."  It seemed to always be offered as a condolence, but somehow, rather than bring me comfort, it brought me only confusion.  What about the child whose life is permanently scarred by an abuser?  --or the parents whose child is killed in a car accident?  --or the person who suddenly contracts a terminal illness?  What about my sister who had been unable to bear children?  What about my friend, whose daughter joined the angels too soon?  What about my sister, who did not have the opportunity to carry her baby to term?  What about us, who could not get out from under this house and had lost everything trying?  What about my beautiful, kind friend, who was taken from her family prematurely?  What about her children, her husband, her family?  "Everything happens for a reason"?  Does that mean things happen "because" God is trying to teach us something--like He intentionally "gives" us particular trials to teach us particular lessons?  Or, could it be that God instead uses the things that happen as a means to teach us what we need to learn?  To me, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" really begs the question, "why do bad things happen to good people?"

There are reasons, of course, why "bad things happen to good people" (and "good things happen to 'bad' people" for that matter).  One explanation is that we have agency, and, acting as agents, our actions have consequences for good or bad that affect both us and innocent bystanders.  Another explanation is that we live in a fallen world that is not perfect and, therefore, prone to suffering.  Another is that there is opposition in all things--that we could not appreciate the good if we don't experience the bad.  But, why doesn't God intervene?  Why does he allow it?  Does everything really "happen for a reason"? And, if so, why do some people seem to experience so much more pain and suffering than others? 

In light of the experiences of my loved-ones and of my own over these last few years, I have been contemplating alot about prayer and the degree of intervention God has in our lives.  Since that time, we have acquired another home and added a fifth sweet baby boy to our family.  And, even though the pain has faded since that particular trial ended (much like you come to forget the degree of pain you really experience during child-birth), I still remember feeling particularly hurt and defeated by the fact that God was "allowing" the trial to continue--that He wasn't taking it away when I had done everything He had asked me to and was doing all in my power to show integrity toward the other parties involved.  Why weren't my prayers "being answered"?  I have offered countless prayers throughout my life.  And, it seems that during those difficult three years I was almost in a constant state of prayer, as I tried to cope with the struggles we were facing and witnessing.  And, one major thing I learned during that time of intense and constant prayer was that at the times when I stopped praying for the trial to be taken away and instead prayed for the strength to endure, I was able to find happiness even amidst the difficulties--when I stopped asking for God to change my circumstances and instead asked Him to change me, I was happy.

I think the way God is most active in our lives is not so much in changing our circumstances, but more so in changing "us".  He can use our circumstances to accomplish that change in us, so he doesn't need to rob agency by changing our circumstances.  I think that the phrase, "everything happens for a reason," would be more accurately expressed as, "God can create a reason for everything."  When He doesn't remove a trial, it doesn't mean He doesn't love us enough to answer our prayers or even that He is telling us "no".  It means that He loves us enough to use the temporal circumstances of a fallen world, full of agents, to change who we are as eternal beings--to make us better and bring us long-lasting happiness.  In other words, I don't think God regularly actively changes our circumstances, but that more often, He affords us our agency and allows the consequences of natural laws to take place, because He knows that, regardless of what happens in our temporal lives here on this earth, He can use our experiences to change "us" instead.  And, that is where the real miracle lies.